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Setup For a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Expectations about how an experience “should” feel can prime you for a lifetime of disappointment.

A negative first relationship can doom people to get trapped over and over again in self-destructive relationships. The reverse effect applies also. If your first relationship is healthy and positive, you may expect new people to be similarly friendly and safe—causing you to feel fondly, disclose your emotions, and build intimacy with that new person.

Getting Past The Past

You can’t change the past, but you can look at it differently. Here’s how.

Make a choice. Decide to stop dwelling, suggests Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. List the pros and cons of dwelling—an exercise that will feel absurd, since cons will vastly exceed the pros. Say to yourself, “I know it’s hard, but I choose to move forward.”

Contain your rumination. Schedule limited blocks of time to wallow—say, 15 minutes twice a day. You’re compartmentalizing your grief—and you’ll soon get bored of it and move on.

Do a reality check. Maybe you find yourself thinking, “I’ll never be happy again.” Stop. True, nothing will ever be exactly the same. But there’s no reason you can’t find happiness in the present and future, with new people and new experiences.

Do not confuse the path with the destination. Maybe you lost a youthful love and can’t let go. Maybe you got fired and you feel like a failure. Clarify your values—creativity? Love? Recognize that you don’t need that particular job to do creative work. You don’t need that particular partner to have a loving relationship. Continue on your path.

Get present. Join a gym, take up a hobby, find a cause, and schedule time with friends. “The best way to break free of living in the past is to get focused on the present and the future,” says psychologist Jefferson Singer. “Take risks and do concrete things to create new experiences for yourself in the here and now.”